….

I was once blank, a ghost to all around me. I vanished for so long and than out of the dark i walked to let myself be known again.  What was i thinking, stupid fuck. What were you thinking? It’s high school all over again. My brain is sparking with thoughts of blood. All i made, all i worked for is dead. No one will ever know the person i am, the thought that repeat in my head. 

I want to say the worst things……………….

Soon ends our stay here and it’s been fun.
So tonight I’ll raise my glass to us.
'Cause we've talked so much I think we filled this ashtray twice,
And I’m pretty sure we emptied every bottle in the place…
So let’s walk home, let’s be afraid.
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard.
Let’s do it right, under the streetlight.
I want it now, somehow I forgot how.

I heard everybody’s voice cut out when you spoke.
And I watched all the lights go dim when your eyes opened.
Well I can’t believe you showed up,
What do I do now?
It’s last call, time to go.
But before we say goodnight…
Let’s walk home, let’s be afraid.
I wanna grab you by the arms and kiss you so hard.
Let’s do it right under the streetlight.
I want it now, somehow I forgot how.

Waking up zeroed in on medicine
Am I waking up at all today
Seeing lights, feeling pain
There’s my cure on ice
I can walk but I will crawl there
I will crawl there
Sitting straight, feeling faint
An exhausted smile screens my words
But I will hear them
Here’s a phrase that we all know
But I can’t make sense
I don’t know words but I will hear them
I still hear them
Never ran away for the sake of scars
Tried not to move but she was armed
And shots were fired
Now a hole in the head of this wounded liar
Never had a drink that I didn’t like
Got a taste of you, threw up all night
I got more sick
With every sour second rate kiss
Everything I never would miss again
I don’t know who your boyfriend is

Everyday i am dying, my bones are slipping like off balanced gears waiting to explode. My skin is torn, ripped and dry like the cracking earth beneath my feet.

No point no reason no explanation no seance why this fire inside me burns so hot.

The rage inside feeds off the people around me, i hate them all. I judge, i judge everyone so hard. Almost as if i can see the worse in everyone. The shitty things you have done effect our handshakes are hellos and our goodbyes.  You are my enemy and if i could destroy you i would lay myself down to take the life from you.

We are all alone, even with the forces of others around us.

She was right there is no point to life and even if there was there would be another reason to destroy it, to tear it apart from the inside out.

I am no man, i am not a life, just dust and rust waiting to be washed away by the sea like a ship ready to sink.

i feel sick 

gone 

dead

motherfucker 

fuck you

dark

lost

not to be found

waste

what a waste 

you win 

it wins 

something 

dead love

pointless 

pointless waste of space and time

make fun of me 

make me lesser then you 

i am less then you 

what have i done so wrong 

everything 

all of it 

now 

right now 

waste

you waste 

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

love

darkness………………………………………………………

I lost it, i lost it all. My brain can no longer contain or comprehend the definition of life. I thought i could fix myself, i thought i could fix all the cracks that rest under my skin…..i was wrong, wrong in so many ways. The scares on my arms and under my shirt taunt me with words of death. A blank face, a blank body, a forgotten name, a rusted past that only my mind can decode. No one will remember me for the real good i have done, they will only make up stories to make my repulsive, sickening, dysfunctional being look better than i ever could have been. I am a waste of space in more ways than you will ever know, for you nor anyone else will ever know the real me as good as i.
………………………………….fuck it…fuck it all.

I lost it, i lost it all. My brain can no longer contain or comprehend the definition of life. I thought i could fix myself, i thought i could fix all the cracks that rest under my skin…..i was wrong, wrong in so many ways. The scares on my arms and under my shirt taunt me with words of death. A blank face, a blank body, a forgotten name, a rusted past that only my mind can decode. No one will remember me for the real good i have done, they will only make up stories to make my repulsive, sickening, dysfunctional being look better than i ever could have been. I am a waste of space in more ways than you will ever know, for you nor anyone else will ever know the real me as good as i.

………………………………….fuck it…fuck it all.

if i recover will you be my comfort, or it can be over, or we can just leave it here

Sometimes in the night I feel as if I cannot breathe almost as if the pressure of loneliness and or meaning a feeling of experiencing a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of relationships is taking over my body. I miss the feeling of reaching over and knowing your there in the darkest of nights, I set the empty left side of the bed on fire every night now just to keep myself worm, I fear the darkness.

I feel at some point as hard as it sounds we have to depend on ourselves to pick ourselves up from the rough. We have to understand that sometimes even though it seems we are our own worst enemies we can still become our own best friends, trust in yourself for that is the only person you might ever be able to trust fully. What’s the point of making any kind of sense?